Parties are Lame When I'm Sober

So, as I do every few years to assuage the qualms of my liver and its uppity concern for my continued existence, I have given up alcohol for Lent. The first true test of will came last night, as I attended a friend's birthday party at her house, a Wudan-like locale that lends itself perfectly to getting plastered. And I have discovered that the act of partying is fundamentally different for a sober person than it is a drunk person. The conversations are much more subdued, generally on topics that you would never consider discussing at a party (lest we reveal just what nerds we really are), and you can sustain them for longer periods of time. In fact, I found that I was one of those people who sits in the same spot, talking with the same people, without roving, wandering, or mingling (hearkening back to my sober days in high school at cast parties). All in all, if one were to seek an adjective to describe my party experience, it would be "lame."

Now don't get me wrong, I had fun, I enjoyed talking with my friends (and some acquaintances that I hadn't seen in a long time), and the party itself seemed to be enjoyed by all. I'm not saying the party itself was lame. It seemed to be a great success. Just that, to the eyes of a sober drunkard, there was a quality of lameness about my being there that was somewhat unsettling. I don't know if it was an internal lameness that I have been suppressing through my love of beer and whiskey, or just a confluence of events that sparked these feelings and behaviors within me.

Whatever the case, I have about 35 more days to continue this trend, including Spring Break and St. Patrick's Day. I hope to find some resolution to these issues I am discovering, and then promptly forget them when I get snookered on Easter (to celebrate the risen Lord). Keep a sober man in your thoughts throughout these coming weeks, for I am embarking upon a great journey...

And now, in light of my unquenchable hatred for my fellow man, a new segment of my Notes.

Things I Hate:
1. Drivers who don't believe in the passing lane.
2. Drivers who slow down to make me miss yellow lights.
3. Lutherans.*
4. People who don't turn their cell phones off for Mass.
5. People who don't turn their cell phones off after they have rung during Mass.
6. People who don't turn their cell phones off after they have rung three times during Mass, including during the silent distribution of ashes.
7. People who insist on riding the elevator from the fourth floor to the first.
8. People who insist on riding the elevator from the first floor to the fourth.
9. People who put off obligations to partake in philanthropic acts.
10. Undergraduates.
11. Bands who think that because they have a long, fun refrain, they can repeat it nine times with only two verses and no bridge. Yes Lifehouse, I'm looking at you.

Look for periodic updates to this list, as I am full of rage.

*I don't hate all Lutherans per se, just the ones that were blocking traffic because they can't properly turn in to a parking lot to attend Mass, thus preventing me from making it to my Mass on time. Splitters.