My Computer Is Not a Network

Today marks one of the greatest triumphs of the human spirit over the evils of the technological age, as personified by my victory over the computer that has bested me for over two years now. In brief, my tale.

Over winter break my MA year (2003-2004), I received a new computer from my folks, as a belated graduation present. Returning it to my Madison domicile, I quickly discovered one of those little quirks that have tormented me as one of the computer illiterate. For some reason, the infernal machine reacted poorly with my SBC DSL connection, prompting the following problems:

1. Once a day, the entire computer would briefly lock up, breaking my internet connection. This would pass, for the most part, in a minute or so, with no adverse consequences. Every so often it would disrupt my AIM program, which is why many of you would see me logged on in the morning, and no longer there during the day. But that was a minor consequence, and as I wasn't home anyway most of the time, it didn't bother me.

2. Every so often, it would lock up so completely that I couldn't reconnect to the internet, no matter what I tried. Other programs would work, but nothing involving being online. For these, I had to reboot.

3. More often than #2, this corruption would somehow disconnect my sound card. I have no idea how, or why, but I could no longer play sounds. This also called for reboot.

4. If I were in the middle of a program (a video game, most often), the entire computer would be trying to do too much, and the entire thing would restart. This was very rare.

I lived with this problem from January 2004 to the present time. I tried various fixes myself, looked online for answers, spoke to people from SBC and from Microsoft, and no one could tell me what the heck was wrong. I am stoical, and like most men, unwilling to take trouble to admit my ignorance and ask others for extensive help. So I dealt with it by ignoring it. I learned little tricks, like leaving Windows Media Player playing music with the sound turned down, which would prevent the sound card from screwing up. Then, this week, I finally decided to look closer at the little computer icon in my lower right-hand corner of the tray. I had looked at this often, trying to figure out if it was creating problems, but various attempts had never yielded results. This time, however, would prove to be different.

For the first time, I noticed a button marked "Advanced Properties," and decided to play around with this a bit more. This information claimed that my computer was part of a network, and had various operations ongoing as related to that network. Well, I live alone, so apparently my computer was networked to the printer, or to itself, or to the SBC company. As the original software installation had created this icon, I assumed it was necessary. Just for kicks, this time, I decided to turn it all off and shut down each of those operations. I would be a network no longer.

Well, I rebooted the computer, was initially aghast as I could not seem to connect to the internet at all now. I frantically tried to find out how to re-engage the network, failing miserably. But as I was doing this, my connection somehow magically reformed itself. I imagine it was something akin to the re-routing scene from Terminator 2, where my PC found a way around the problem I had created for it. And through this growth, it was set free, a modern electronic existential tale.

For you see, dear reader, my computer no longer has this daily problem. It never disconnects anymore. It never gets extra slow anymore. And it starts up infinitely quicker now. Originally, I could turn on the computer, go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, put my contacts in, and then it would finally be ready to work. Now, it's done almost instantaneously, finally starting faster than my old system did, and proving that a superior processor isn't just a joke IBM tells us.

I feel as if a great weight has been lifted, as if an unseen rock on my back has been removed, and I am for the first time standing tall within the Electronic Age. I still don't know exactly what the problem was, or what I specifically did to fix it, and I don't care. A wiser man may choose to explore further and learn something, increasing his own knowledge. Me, well I've discovered that if I just start shutting things down in new and exciting ways, eventually the computer will either die or fix itself. I have faith in my system. It validates my belief that the computer is an active force constantly grappling with me for dominance. And it's just crazy enough to be true.

That's all for now. If you're in New York, go see Bourbon Samurai's play. I have no idea what it's about, but I believe it was the inspiration for this concept, which I adore. Click on his blog for ticket information. And good luck with the performance, New Yorkers.